A King had to leave his Kingdom for some business. He was afraid that his only Daughter would be taken advantage of by some of the Guards because she was a very deep sleeper. So before he left, he slipped a razor blade between the lips of her vagina. The King left. That night, three of the Guards did plan to Fuck the Princess. The First Guard went into her room. From outside of the room, the other two Guards listened. Suddenly, they heard the First Guard scream. He came out. The other two Guards asked why he screamed. Embarrassed, he said that it was so good that he couldn't control himself. This made the other two smile. The Second Guard went in. After some time? Ahhhhh!!! The Second Guard came out. The Third Guard asked what happened. Just as embarrassed as the First Guard, the Second Guard said that it felt so good that he couldn't control himself. The Third Guard smiled. The Third Guard went into the room. He went up to the Princess and lifted her dress. Outside.... read more.

There is this guy and he is in a casino doing the usual gambling... he ends up gambling all his money away accept for $20. With that $20 he decides to go to a whore house and see if he can get lucky. He goes into a whore house and heads straight up to the lady at the front desk, he hands her the $20 and asks her to give him whatever he can get for that amount of money. The lady smiles and tells him to go down the hall to the last door on the left. He follows her directions and opens the door. Inside the room he finds this beautiful woman laying, naked on the bed, waiting for him. He jumps on top of her and starts pounding away. He starts to go really fast fucking her hard. He then suddenly realizes there is this gooey stuff coming out of her eyes. He freaks out and runs down the hallway to the lady at the front desk and in a panic tells her about the goo coming out of the girl. The lady at the desk rolls her eyes, turns around and screams "Jerry! The dead o.... read more.

There are these two German guys that decided to go to California for a summer vacation. When they get to the beach, they both are pasty white and wearing out-of-date swim trunks... This causes people to stare and giggle. The German guys walk up to a life guard and ask him advice on how to make the ladies go crazy over them instead of laughing at them and the life guard says "here is what you do, get a fake tan, put on a speedo and drop a potato down your pants". The next day the German guys both got a tan, put on a speedo and drop a potato down their pants, just like the life guard said... They start to walk down the beach and people are laughing harder than they did before.. they go to the life guard confused and asked why are they laughing and the life guard says "when i said 'drop a potato down your pants' i meant in the front!"

There are 3 guys driving a car in the middle of the desert... all of the sudden they run out of gas. they go in search of help and fortunately come across a house. One of the guys goes up to the door and rings the bell, soon after a hideous woman answers. The man asks her if they could have some food, water and use her phone to call for help. The lady says "you have to fuck me first!"... the man looks at her and walks away... another one of the guys walks up looks at her and runs away, the third guy walks up to her and begs for some food, water and the use of her phone, but she sticks with her word and says "you have to fuck me first! ".. after a bit the man says "ok fine, get on the table, spread your legs and close your eyes" the lady does what he says... the guy takes an ear of corn and puts it into the ladies pussy, moving it in and out... when he is done he takes the corn and throws it out the window. The lady opens her eyes and thanks him but also asks for more... the guy t.... read more.

What's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth? Einstein's cock.

A guy and his girlfriend are at a drive through, getting kinky in the back of his car. The guy starts to pet her pussy and then the girl says "stick your finger in!" so he does! then she says "stick two fingers in!" and he says "what are you trying to do? Whistle?

3 men walk into a bar. After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of dick between them. The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches. The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches. Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick. The bartender says "Ok, thats 12 inches you can go". As the're walking away the first guy sais to the third, "Thank god you had a boner or we'd still be there."

A Christmas Poem 'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite. And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down .... read more.

Hey, I have just joined phuckedtube, after being reffered by thatsphucked (been a member there a while) I will post ALOT of funny and fucked up shit, so subscribe and stay tuned. :)   (the category isnt true i just had to pick SOMETHING) -.-

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.  A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.  Then Andy explained the Colonoscopyprocedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.  I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR ASS!'

I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days .... read more.

I've been thinking a lot about those people who aren't "right" in their mind when it comes to sexuality. No, I'm NOT discriminating. I'm just so confused. Think  about it -> There are men who like men... yet they act like women would. Put makeup on, dress feminine, speak with that annoying voice... etc. WHY?! Don't MEN LIKE MEN?! I mean, why act like a female IF you want another male... excuse me, another GAY male..? All gays are just men who like men and my definition for a man is MANLY. NO makeup, skirts and all other feminine crap. And we, females, also have two holes. XD If you are a man and prefer an asshole then why not go and find a woman that likes sex in it, as well?! So, I came to a conclusion... ONLY WOMEN can be homosexual. Men are, too BUT they turn into women first. Somewhat anyway. So, that is why women like to have gay men around. =) They can be good friends... just cause they don't do drama as much. ^_^

Again, I'm NOT .... read more.

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?" He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

Whats the best thing about teaching kindergarten? How huge your cock looks in their tiny little hands!